He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
40s are totally the cure
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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