I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
