bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
