i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
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So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
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In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
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