I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
