Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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