if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
