im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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