I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
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