Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
