Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
