just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
