My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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