I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
