I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
