Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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