I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
