bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
