Got a toothbrush?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
