It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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