my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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