I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
