Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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