if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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