you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
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Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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