The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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