I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
