So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
