oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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