I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
