Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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