saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i wish my penis had a tongue
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I party with great urgency now.
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