i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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