me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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