i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
