this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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