I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
