i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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