if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
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