I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
