your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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