I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
