Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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