come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
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Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
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I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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