Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
