I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
