i'm signing you up for texting rehab
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
