Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
