Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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