Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
It's shark week go big or go home
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
