And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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