next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
