You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
