can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
