Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
