mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
