well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
