I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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