i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Randomize
