I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
