I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
